Drink til’ you drop down?
The Parable of the Drunken Man
By Matthew Delooze
Duncan was a drinker who visited two local pubs on a regular basis. One was called The Cock and one was called The Bull. Duncan would pick and choose which pub he went in at any one time. When in the Bull, after drinking a few pints, he would claim The Bull served the best beer in town and the regulars were the salt of the Earth. When in The Cock, after a few gins, he would claim The Cock sold the best spirits in town and the regulars were the apple of his eye. He was happy sitting in either pub and the two pubs were happy to serve him. One day the said landlords of each pub fell out over a trivial difference of opinion and they had a row over who served the best drinks and ended up having a price war to compete for custom. Duncan went in The Bull and was offered free beer to stay there and not to visit the Cock.
He merrily feasted on the free beer and when intoxicated he stated that the opposition, The Cock, really sold the crappiest gin and its regulars were a bunch of stupid idiots. The Landlord of the Bull heard Duncan’s words and offered him eternal free beer if he pledged loyalty to the Bull. Duncan thought he was in paradise and his love for the landlord grew and he pledged his loyalty to the Bull because he was drunk.
The next day the landlord of the Cock, who had heard of what had happened, invited Duncan, who was really just seeking a place of comfort, to drink gin for free in his pub. Duncan again merrily feasted on the free gin and when intoxicated he stated that the opposition, The Bull, sold the crappiest ale and the customers were a set of morons. The landlord of the Cock gave him more free gin to stay in the Cock for his deeds and for saying these things. Duncan thought he was in paradise again and his love for the landlord grew and he pledged his loyalty to the Cock because he was drunk. Duncan still went in both pubs and spent more and more time in them.
Eventually Duncan’s wife was sick of Duncan’s ways and knew he was being hypocritical and so she said to him one Sunday lunch time… “Husband how can thee feast in one pub and criticise another when they both make thee the same drunkard? How can thee drink Gin and Beer and then criticise only the Beer and how can thee drink Beer and Gin and then criticise only the Gin. How can the salt of the Earth suddenly lose its taste and how can the apple of your eye suddenly make you blind? “ Duncan’s wife then turned to the other visitors in the pub and said “Let him who is of sober mind supply my husband his next drink.”